Monday, 13 April 2009

• Church scares me

  I had hoped to go to church on Easter. I had every intention of going. Had been discussing attending with Beloved for at least 3 days prior. When Easter dawned, all grey and rainy, I found I couldn't bring myself to go. I was very surprised to find that I actually had real fear. As in the cold, churning ball in the pit of my belly type of fear.

  To me attending a church is an ordeal. I let my guard down and trusted a pastor and a congregation three times in my life just to have them shun and reject me. The sad thing  is I find very little of Christ in the way his people act in the church.  I find I have an easier time reconnecting with God just being alone with him. With no one putting qualifiers on my relationship with him.

  For instance: I don't know how many times I've heard someone tell me God won;t hear me if I don't give 10% of my gross income to the church. I love how the scriptures get misapplied to tithing. You see, back in the Days when the Levites and Kohanim served in the temples, Tithing was very necessary. While it was for other men to work professions to provide for their family, the Priests of the temple were set apart for God exclusively. There were no '9-5' jobs for them. Their job was to go Before God on behalf of the people. So those tithes and offerings were to provide them with what they needed  to live  and to maintain the temple.Also, a lot of the poorer people who wish to be faithful didn't tithe money. They tithed their skills or other useful things.

  What I see nowadays are Pastors, some of whom make better money than many in their congregations, driving more expensive cars , dressing expensively..as in luxury..and eating nothing but the best crying out to their flocks for more money. Usually they get damn insulting about it. "Give of your tithe or God will curse you with poverty."

  I also love what I discussed ina previous entry: the gall a lot of church people have in judging!  Or the sheer multitude of crap I have seen there. I won't reiterate what I said there but I will give you examples:

  When I was married and pregnant I walked into a church for a service just to be told, by the pastor's wife, that I could avail myself of the excellent ministry they have for unwed mothers. You see, my hands were very swollen. I was wearing my wedding and engagement rings on a chain round my neck but that chain was hanging under my shirt. so she had assumed a lone woman , very gravid, in her church with no rings = unwed mother.

  Another church I was part of I was in the music ministry. Back in the day I had a really nice singing voice. This was before life had stolen the song from my heart. Anyway, I went to the church to for rehearsal. We were to sing at the upcoming conference. Arriving at the church some things struck me as odd. First off the pastor was supposed to be there. Yet the church was dark and locked. No worries, being in the ministry like I was I  was one of  the lucky few who had been entrusted with a key to the church and the alarm codes for the securtiy system. The seond odd thing was, even though the church was dark and locked the security system hadn't been set. I just shrugged, let myself in, and walked towards the band room when I heard a starnage noise. It sounded like shuffling broken by a small cry as if someone were in pain. It was coming from one fo the offices. Thinking one of the church leadership was in need of emergency help I hurried across the carpeted sanctuary to the offices. Towards the office radiating the noises. As I got closer the noises became  more distinct. I heard my pastor's voice saying "You like that? Tell me how much you like that." A that point I was thinking "Huh? what the crap? Is he ont he phone?" So I slowly opened the door..and there was my pastor..and a young woman who had just recently started attending our church. She was bent over his desk.... They froze, I froze. It seemed like an eternity but it was only seconds. I threw the keys to the church at him and ran from the church. I was angry and stunned at the same time. I never went back there. He did call  my cell phone later on. I had expected an apology. An explanation. What I got was him telling me that he was the beloved pastor and I was only a music minister and a woman. The church would  never believe me. I agreed. I told him I knew how church politics work.

  Again..this is something I could go on with but I won't. Bottom line is I am still afraid to go  into a church. I'm afraid of the can of worms I'd  find there. To me and some others church doesn't equal God it equals trauma and drama. My purpose in writing this is because this is an area I'm trying to work through. Putting it in writing helps expel the junk so I can get started healing in this area.

  I still hope to find a great church and good people. I want the fresh word not the sermons I am gleaning, second hand , from the web. Til then, the recycled word will have to suffice.

   

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