I'm a little frustrated when it comes to blogging or any other form of communication for that matter. There are times I have these things in my head that I wish to express but something gets lost in translation from my head to the actual expression.

This entry is just such a case.

And..I have a problem: I know what area to attack first in order to get myself back on track in my life. I've got to do something about my spirituality. Trying to get things sorted in this area of my life often plunges me into a cycle where I  go round and round. I get so far just to get turned back to the beginning. This last time it happened I took the time to observe the process. I know what my problem is that plunges me back into this seemingly neverending cycle: I don't trust God.

seriously.

When I was in my late teens to mid 20's I enjoyed a close, intimate relationship with God. 

For instance there was a time I would walk 3 miles to work everyday, starting oftentimes before the sun had even risen in the morning (the positions i held were ones of responsibility. Such as being responsible for opening the entire kitchen in  a restaurant. Or being a shift  manager). This was before my body wore down through stress and the violence of domestic abuse. Walking six miles back then was nothing to me. I was also blessed with walking through some of the most bueatiful stretches of scenery. I spent the entire walk talking to God. I would get in the general vicinity of my workplace where I'd go find a spot in the woods and just spent the hours ( I tried to leave myself at least 2 hours before I had to punch in) before work just praying where nothing but nature could see me. In those days it seemed like God listened to me.

In those days I couldn't wait until it was time for the the church doors to open for services. To raise my hands in worship. To hear a message from the pastor that was made of awesome.I always went there with the understanding that God meant the message for me. Not in a selfish way. I knew it wasn't specifically all for me it's just that I always found something to take away from the sermons for myself to apply in my own life. I couldn't wait to be with my good friends there.

These were the days before I'd see the inner circle of the ministry. See how pastors in my fellowship ran the churches like businesses. Ran them for some agenda other than God's. See how pastors  and other ministry people use God to utterly destroy people in thier congregations not towing 'the line'.

I know some of you reading this think I am being overly dramatic. I wish I was. You see, when you are just a regular, pew warming child of God in the church you never see behind the scenes. It's you, and God, in this place called church, sourrounded by your friends (if you are lucky enough to be in a church that is intimate enough to become family. I'm sorry but I never see this in mega churches). When you become a ministry head or a leader..you see it from the inside. You see glimpses of how the pastor controls the experience for a pre set agenda: wether it be his or someone higher up over him. And I'm not talking about God. When you hear sermons you know were especially prepared by the pastor  specifically to target a certain individual or group in a church in order to get them to do what you want them to do, or else think the way you wish them to think, and them have the gall to say it's God's  very word to them...it does something to your faith.

When you see a church leader go "Sister Creamcheese! God has a word for you. He loves you.He has seen your tears, has seen your struggles. He wants you to know he has never left you comfortless in all this.Take heart! He has such a plan for you, you will be used mightily of Him!But to whom much is given much is required. He grieves because you have bound up your life by not being  faithful  in tithes and offerings , because you have not been obediant to the word of your pastor, obey and repent and he will open the windows of heaven for you!" -because sister creamcheese stopped putting money in the collection bowl and started to ask questions of her pastor that made him uncomfortable, you start doubting God speaks at all.

Anyway...i could go on and on I just will spare you that

The point is such experiences have pretty nuch colored how I see things when I even so much as visit a church. I know all about church tactics. They are a lot like business tactics. You see them enacted in any department store:

When you are a casual shopper you walk into the store just browsing. A clerk or a store associate will come up to you and ask "May I help you?" If you tell them you are just looking , they will plaster a smile on thier face and encourage you to let them know if you need anything.They may even give you a flyer. So it is with the casual church visitor: they give you a smile and a flyer. Let them know if you have any questions.

When you  go to the store to buy something the sales associates size you up, trying to guage income by appearance so they can best direct you to what you need in your price range. They know you may or may not come back to shop there again. They hope you do usually. So they smile at you, direct you to what you need in your price range, and then they encourage you to come back. Sometimes even having you sign a 'preferred shoppers list'. They know it is a fine line between trying to get repeat patronage and driving someone off by being annoying. Customers  don't tend to like pushy salespeople.  So it is when you are visiting a church as a seeker. The people know they need to make a sale. They size up a visitor in the most subtle way possible to see where they can both  fit in in the church and calculate just how profitable the seeker would be to the church in ways of resources if/when they make the sale and the person becomes a member of the church. They then will direct the seeker to what they feel they need as far as ministries and the like. they may actually get your information so that they can 'follow up' with you.Kinda like the 'preferred shoppers list'. The paramount thing to them, though, is to get you to come back. If they are too annoying and overbearing the seeker gets overwhelmed and never comes back.

So what happens if the store doesn't meet your budget or your needs? The clerk or associate will suggest you go elsewhere. They may even give you suggestions. If they are smart they will do so kindly and professionally because a smart merchant knows circumstances change and they may be doing business later. Also word of mouth gets around concerning businesses. Believe it or not a bad review can be costly to a business. This is where the business world and church business world diverge. When you cannot be neatly labeled  or put in  a neat little box by a church, or if you aren't making  enough money for thier purposes, you are  encouraged to leave. A decent church business knows that image is evrything. So they won't discourage you by openly saying "maybe that urban church down the street would be a better fit. They take in homeless people , people living in dubious circumstances, people who have a limited income.." They freeze you out. They stop smiling. Eventually, the way they treat you makes you leave.

One thing I almost forgot to mention: you ever wonder why churches like young people? I mean besides the obvious which is that the young are more easily malleable? It's because the young are thought of as a good investment. If you take a kid that has a screwed up life, been abused, made mistakes that have damaged them it is still worth it to the church to invest money, time, and effort to correct that so that they can grow to be stable adults that will then give back to the church. In other words the return in resources outweighs the initial costs. Churches don't tend to see older people that way. By older people I mean people in their late 20's on up.

This is why I cannot go to church. I mean even if I trusted one enough. I am not easily labelled. My life is in ruins and I am just now strong enough to start pulling it back together. I am not rolling in cash. I am very cynical on top. I make church people uncomfortable. I am not a sound investment because I do not have years ahead of me to payback to the church. I have some middle years ahead of me..at least a few years off but they are coming.

Churches and christians cannot see that, despite that, I love God. I have a soft heart (i have tried to harden it time and again). I seldom think of myself ( by the way this was the assessment a licensed counsellor outside the church gave me. But they also slipped in 'Post traumatic stress', 'depression' and other goodies,too.)

How can I trust God after all that? How do i know trusting God won't cost me what little I have left? I know I have to find some balance in all this. I can;t pull the other pieces together without cohesion and that adhesive is God. Once i have that settled I can do everything else to get back on track. He's the foundation. Stay tuned. You have no idea where this is going. Guess what? Neither do I.

Yep, I'm still alive and still here.
Sorry I've been silent here for a while. I have been busy and desparately ill. So let me catch you up on all that has happened and where I stand now:

The whole roommate debacle turned out extremely well. It wasn't long before I was over the whole thing. The peace that came back into the house after the constant drama, tension, and just sheer selfishness and inconsideration of the former roomies were gone was amazing. I'm sorry I seemed to have 'freaked out' over things, but, please understand that when I treat people with consideration I am naive enough to expect the same back. I have no lingering anger or ill will towards them. This is the first time I've even spared a thought towards them in a long time.
After they left a really dear friend of mine moved in. You know him in this blog as 'Protector'. This has worked out very well. Protector and my Beloved get along extremely well. We are family. Protector even has a cat. Evidently she is part Bobcat with a distinctive facial shape, eyes with diamond shaped pupils, and a bobbed tail. She keeps my cat company.  The apartment feels very cozy now. We actually sit in the living room of an evening to watch TV where, when the other roommates lived here, we stayed in our rooms and never ventured out unless we had to.We take turns cooking dinner.

 Protector is a Tennessee hill boy with quiet country wisdom and a blunt but truthful way of speaking.He has taught me how to make beans with bacon and cornbread. Let me tell you there is nothing finer on a cold winter's night than a plate with yummy, bacony beans, some fried greens ,and skillet fried cornbread. My Beloved usually bakes up some chicken when it's his time to cook. Or better yet: bacon wrapped greenbeans! Because he works so hard everyday his meals are usually very simple. Which works out just fine as we are not a household rolling in cash. My meals are usually experiments and pretty cheap to cobble together. The last one I made consisted of rice flaored with vegetable soup base, italian sweet sausage cut up in small chunks with peas and mushrooms. The guys loved it! I am also very good at making chicken stew (it's too thick to call a soup because of all the things i put in it).

My health took a turn for the worse for a while. Long story short is, on top of  a heart condition I now have a nasty form of anemia where my red blood cells die prematurely and my body isn't manufacturing enough of them to begin with. We have no idea why. It got so bad for me that both Beloved and Protector got frightened for me. You know how men are..it takes a bit for a man to be worked up over anything. Men are creatures that tend toward logic and women tend towards the emotional side of things. It's great how we can balance each other out! Anyway, they insisted I see a doctor. Again, long story short: The doctor was amazed at how very pale I was. No color whatsoever. He took blood and had it rushed to the lab for analysis. A few hours later my doctor called me and told me to stop what I was doing and go to an emergency room ASAP. I spent the night with I'V.s in both arms and a bag of blood going into each. Beloved had to work, he had no time off, so Protector stayed with me over night. I had a private room on a floor where transplant patients usually go. Under the windows was a big blue vinyl couch and that is where Protector slept..or at least tried to. He kept an eye on me all night and filled Beloved in on all that was going on.Beloved felt badly that he couldn't be there.  

This happened on a Friday I think. My memory is still very foggy because my brain wasn't gettign what it needed at that time in the way of nutrients and oxygen. Anyhow I was reluctant to see a doctor because Doctors tend to be less than ...pleasant...to people without health insurance. I was going to wait another week and see what developed before seeking medical care. I was assured by the ER doctor that, if I had done so, I wouldn't have survived to see another week roll in.

Ok folks ,well, I'm tired. My mind is still clearing so I'm afraid if I keep writing I'll keep babbling or something. It's 4 in the morning here right now. I really need to crash.

I'm back! So I'll be writing again soon about something or  other before too long.

I learned 3 things though:

God still walks with me, I am so blessed to have Protector and Beloved, and I am not afraid to die. However, I'd rather not.